Tuesday, 5 September 2017

A Piece About Heartbreak.

A piece about heartbreak. A piece that is only one part of the million pieces your heart is broken into. You know it sounds cliché, and you know everyone goes through it and everyone “gets through it to the other side”, but you don’t feel it. You have countless amounts of friends and family telling you that, but it still doesn’t feel like your heart will construct itself back together again.

When you fall in love, you fall in love with each smile, those beautiful eyes, that humour and every other characteristic about them. You also fall in love with the way that they fall in love with you; how they make you believe life is positive and full, and you’ll love how they love every bit about you…flaws and everything.

You may have had people damage your trust before, but this ray of sunshine in your life encourages you to trust again and you find yourself admitting the good, the bad and the ugly through late night conversations. You lower your walls and give up your vulnerability, and in return they do the same. They accept you for who you truly are, and that brings so much hope.

You find yourself changing, evolving. You want to be there for them through their proudest times and their darkest times, and in return you want them to do that for you. Through your relationship you find your place with one another, become a team and make the sweetest memories that you cherish.

And then that ray of sunshine, that pillar of hope and the symbol of your love leaves you.
One minute you’re flying high, the next you’re crashing down. The love of your life rips your world away from you, and takes your happiness with them. You feel lost, lonely and abandoned.

Your friends and family rally around you and try to support you, but nothing they can say will bring that person back and nothing they can do will be as good as if that person just loved you again.

You wonder what you did wrong. Was it that thing I said the other week? Was it something I did 2 months ago? Should I have acted differently in that one situation? Did I change? You need reasons. You need to know exactly why you weren't good enough.

The memories you have feel like a blessing and a curse. You want to remember all those wonderful moments you had where you cuddled together, you laughed together and you fell in love together. But they also curse you as you try to sleep at night, and try to get through your day of work when all it makes you want to do is sob until you’re weak. Photos and online conversations also give you this curse, and you try so hard to put yourself in these happy times whilst also trying to forget them.

During this time, you build up so many emotions and feelings. You’re devastated. You’re lonely. You feel like you’re worth nothing and nobody will ever love you. Then you started feeling angry. Why would they treat me like this? If they ever cared about me, why would they throw what we had together away? I gave all of me, why didn’t they? They knew this would hurt me, so why did they do it? Why did they say the things that they said even know they knew it would kill me inside?

 You half want to kiss them and half want to scream at them. You want to run back into their arms but you also want them to know exactly how they have hurt you. You have so much to say to them that you just can’t, and instead you find yourself furiously writing in your notes what you would say to them if you could. Each thing they do post-break up feels like a punch in the gut.

Are they feeling hurt too? Are they crying over me too? Can they imagine themselves with someone else? Are they seeing someone else? Do I keep them up at night like they keep me up at night? So many questions to overthink.

You want to change things, and think you may be able to do something, but somehow something changed along the way for them and there’s nothing you can do to go back in time to stop that from happening. It doesn’t matter how much of you that you gave to them, how good of a partner you were, you can’t stop them from changing.

It hurts. It really fucking hurts. You can’t even bare to see other people happy and in love. My world stopped turning, how can I watch theirs still going?

You wish you had an answer for when the pain stops hurting. You say to yourself “How can I put up with much more?” but the reality is that you must. You don’t have answers. You’re not even sure how to pick yourself back up again. But you live in hope that there will come a day where everything is okay, and that what your friends and family advised you with was right.

And that’s my late night piece on heartbreak. 

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